Attachment Theory

‍By Stefanie Faye

When you were a child, do you remember what felt more important? Was it being protected and connected? Or was it the freedom and independence to master your world and learn who you are? 

As much as I remember loving the feeling of closeness with loved ones, I also savor my memories of exploring the world and doing things on my own, knowing I could have more autonomy over my life. 

These are two forces that underlie Attachment Theory and are key drivers of much of human behavior.  

Attachment theory is not a 'theory'. It's a part of our neurophysiological operating system. Attachment is a way of seeking proximity to an attachment figure. It’s a bio behavioral adaptation that helps us co-regulate with others. This in turn helps us achieve higher levels of independence.

What is called the Paradox of Attachment is that we can’t have one without the other.  Without the security of feeling protected and connected - that someone has your back - the ability to explore becomes limited. Without the freedom to navigate the world on our own and have an identity, we lower our power and sense of agency in social dynamics by becoming dependent. 

Human relationships and attachment are tied to two key dimensions: intimacy and independence. Because we are mammals, we are biologically dependent on others to co-regulate our nervous systems. Because we are self-regulating systems, we also require independence and autonomy in order to exercise our self-regulating mechanisms.

Because of how brains mature over time, as children, we need to outsource our self-regulating abilities to our caregivers. This is especially important when we are distressed. If, during childhood, we experience a lack of responsiveness, emotional availability, or attunement to our emotions, this can lead to insecure attachment patterns in our adult relationships.

This may sound counterintuitive, but our attachment to a secure base when we are young actually helps us become more independent. Knowing we have an emotionally attuned, available, and regulated base to return to and turn to in times of distress helps regulate our immature nervous system to tolerate a more expansive array of emotions and situations until our own more sophisticated brain and body architecture can help us do this for ourselves and with a wider variety of people (Harvard Center on the Developing Child). 

Disruptions within our earliest attachment experiences can lead to patterns that emerge across the lifespan and into our adult relationships. The good news is that because of human brain plasticity, especially in regions that involve aspects of self-regulation, we can take steps to become more secure in our attachment behaviors. 

Secure attachment is related to being able to attune to and become more aware of our own experiences and sensations and be able to recognize, report, request, and regulate in a mature way within relationships.  

The dance between connection and autonomy is part of the human experience. However, because our earliest experiences and conditions are not always in our control, it means that it can be challenging for a large portion of the planet to learn how to co-regulate and self-regulate.

So whether we are dealing with young people or grown-ups - there's a good chance some of them have attachment behaviors that can get in the way of having their most optimal states of both connectedness and autonomy.  

As much as we need to learn how to self-regulate, as mammals we also need safe connections with others in order to restore our systems. 

It’s part of our oxytocinergic, co-regulating genetic heritage. 

Every human relationship is therefore a lifelong dance between connection and independence, intimacy and autonomy. 

It’s not one or the other… when we learn more about the importance of both, we can build a safe harbor with a trusted other - that they are there to return to as we explore our autonomy and purpose. This is as true for children as it is for adults. The dance of having phases of connection and bonding, with time for individuality and independence, those rhythms are a catalyst for power, compassion, agency, and self-mastery. 

The first step is awareness. The first key to awareness is to realize that many of our social behaviors are tied to our attachment experiences. As adults, we can prioritize our own self-regulation. As we do this, we become better models for self-regulation and we become contributors to healthy co-regulation within our communities and relationships.

National Scientific Council on the Developing Child (2015). Supportive Relationships and Active Skill-Building Strengthen the Foundations of Resilience: Working Paper No. 13. Retrieved from www.developingchild.harvard.edu.

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This article was crafted by Stefanie Faye, an independent contributor engaged by CheckIT Labs, Inc. to provide insights on this topic.

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